Ugh, I have been so sick all week and it has been terrible. In just the past week I have had a UTI, the flu, and gastroenteritis (which really means I puked and had diarrhea at the same time for 7 full hours), and in that order. One of those things would have been managable, but all three things in one week is more than I can handle. And they didn't really overlap either, they just waited until I was recovered from the previous ailment to attack. Unfair. I wish my mom had been here to make me soup and get me ice cream <in a pouty voice>. And, as usual, Colin was characteristically unhelpful, so please remind him he's a bad person next time you see him. But I'm feeling much better now and will hopefully be able to get back to being a normal person very soon. This all started the morning after I drank waaaayyy too much at the Holiday Club, so I do believe I have learned my lesson.

 

I finally met Robin's nephew, who is mostly just really fussy and cries non-stop. I hope he grows out of that and gets pleasant soon. But, he's only 3 weeks old so I'll give him a little time. Please, enjoy this rare picture of me interacting with a child.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My new job is fine, and is exactly as much/little commitment as I wanted; the perfect schedule.  I can't wait for summer!!!! Anyone want to go bathing suit shopping soon?

Some good things actually happened today, which is a change from the way things have been going lately.

 

I woke up this morning to a message from Anne, telling me that Shiner Bock beer will soon be served at Chicago bars. Can I get an amen?!? Anne is my friend from junior high in Midland who moved to Chicago in October and just happens to live 3 blocks away, which is really weird. She's also probably the only other person who shares the enthusiasm and obsession for Shiner that comes with being deprived for so long. Every time I go into a bar in Chicago, I'm faced with unappealing or really expensive beer choices and I always wish I could just order a Shiner. Not that Shiner is cheap by any means, but at least it's worth shelling out the money. So April 16 has become a new countdown to distract me from the much more depressing wait-list deadline of July 15. Not only is April 16 so much closer, but I also know it is guaranteed to have a happy ending.

 

Also, so many amazing shows are coming to Chicago within the next couple of months and I can't wait!! I'm going to spend a shitload of money, but I don't care, it's worth it. I got a call from Rosa tonight and she's definitely coming to see Bjork so I'm in. Seeing Bjork would be amazing, but seeing Bjork with Rosa would be an experience, so it's worth whatever tickets cost. But then Bjork plus Air, Modest Mouse, !!!, Burden Brothers, and Arcade Fire and we've got ourselves an amazing April and May.

 

Lastly, as you all know, Robin works for the Department of the Environment for the city and was recently contacted about getting some brochures by a lady who happens to live on our street. Turns out, this lady is having a party in her home (mansion) to raise money for migratory birds and needed some pamphlets to hand out to her 120-170 guests. She stopped by our apartment tonight to pick them up and actually invited us to the party! But she warned us that the Lieutenant Governor is speaking at 8pm, so we need to arrive either before or after that so we don't interrupt his speech. This lady was crazy. First of all, she's having a freaking party for migratory birds. Even Robin thinks that's a little strange. Secondly, she was the stereotypical crazy rich lady in a Lexus SUV and totally played it up, much to our amusement. We canNOT wait for this party. Not only do we get inside one of these mansions on our block for a party, not only are there cocktails, not only are there going to be two rare owls, but mostly we just know that our presence will be so hilariously awkward. An opportunity like this doesn't present itself twice.

I'm just going to put this right out there -- I didn't get in to med school. Ouch. I still haven't decided if it's easier to write that down or say it out loud. Both suck. But writing it spares you (the reader) the embarassment of having to react to that in real-time and in person. But it also denies me the sick knowledge of knowing how people are actually reacting. While I appreciate written condolances, I know they have been written, edited, and given the appropriate tone. It's really just not the same.

 

But that's not really the whole story. I did get on the wait list for both schools that I interviewed at in Texas. So maybe I lied a little bit about not getting in. Sorry, it was for dramatic effect. If I can't watch people squirm in person, I might as well have the license to be as dramatic about this as possible. Honestly, I think I have the right to be dramatic about this in the first place. But now that I'm on the wait list, that just means more uncertainty. When I didn't think I was on the wait list, there was a sense of closure that I could deal with. But more waiting?! Give me a fucking break. This is torture. I was actually getting used to the idea of not getting in and then here came a letter in the mail. Two paragraphs sent me right back to where I was a week ago: in limbo.

 

I was already making peace with the idea of not going to med school. For once in my life, I could live without a time line. No recommended course paths, no prerequisites, no registration due dates, no financial aid, and no four (really it's more like eight) year commitments. The whole world felt open to me in a way I haven't known since I was eighteen. And while that made me really sad that my whole life has been dictated by something that didn't even work out, at least I had a new freedom. And I want to make it clear that this dedication to going to med school was completely my decision, and no one pushed me harder than I pushed myself. But fuck, it felt nice to be a-person-without-a-plan for the first time in a long time. That identity that I had created for myself was thrown out the window and I liked it (well, I liked it just as much as I was devasted and totally fucking pissed off at all that wasted effort and time and money and energy and stress. <insert rage here>).

 

I didn't even rush to make new plans. I revelled in the idea of not knowing what was going to come next. And not in my usual, "I don't know what is going to happen next, but I know someday soon I'll be in medical school" kind of way, but in the most legitimate way I've ever experienced. It felt great. It was driving my parents crazy, but I was loving it.

 

Now I've taken a step back. I've tasted freedom, and I've been reined in by the cruel existence of something called a wait list. Not an actual admittance to medical school, just the tease of the possiblity of admittance. And not just at one school, at both. My parents didn't even try to conceal their delight even though they know of my ambivalence.

 

Note: I do have to give my mom credit, she has supported my questioning over the past few months (as well as some pretty erratic emotions). She still thinks I'd be nuts to be happy about doing something other than medical school though. I think it's just her generation.

 

But it's a tricky situation now. I feel like I should decide whether I'm happy about the waitlist or not. If I get an offer, will I accept it? Should I decide now, while this is still hypothetical? Or should I not waste my time and wait until I'm faced with the decision and go from there? Now that I've tasted that freedom, do I really want to give that up for med school? Which feeling do I like better?

 

To be frank, I wish I could talk to people (you all) about this more. Or just talk to you more in general. I've been feeling so isolated for so long now, but I really need a little support right now. I'm putting aside all pride and asking for it, straight up. Please?